its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
