Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
