Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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