i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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