I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
