New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
