The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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