This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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