I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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