this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
