jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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