There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
