i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
