Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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