peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
