I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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