I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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