And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
