apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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