I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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