you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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