i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
