so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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