So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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