if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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