I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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