from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
