Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
someone owes me an orgasm
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
