No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
