Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
