Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.