things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
