2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
