the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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