Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
