areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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