Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
