life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Please don't give away my fajitas
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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