At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize