I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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