Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
