Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
