i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My penis needs a shock collar
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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