I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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