Dual....:-)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just had sex on a roof
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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