Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
