I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize