your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
