that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Ketchup is God's man juice
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
