Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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