There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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