You're my little dorito
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
