my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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