then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
